Saturday, October 31, 2009

Can't Sleep

I want my husband. I'm tired of putting on my mask for everyone and acting like deployment isn't kicking my butt. I hate it. I HATE it. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to stay up in all hours of the night with a baby who wants his daddy. I don't want to cry with my little boy because I want daddy too. I don't want to cry because the phones aren't working. I don't want to stalk the mailbox. I don't want to answer everyone's stupid questions like "how are you doin?" "how's jeff doing?" As if they don't know the answer? I'm NOT doin good, and neither is he.. Because our definition of happiness is not being separated for a year. I hate that I feel selfish and mean for writing all this because it's ten times harder for Jeff to be away I'm sure. If he can handle it then why can't I? Why can't I be the strong woman he needs me to be? I don't want to look people straight in the eyes and lie. Lie about the way I'm feeling with the whole situation. But when you ask me how I'm doing, I know the answer you're looking for.. And I say "good, good" partly because thats what you want to hear and partly because I don't want to talk about it anymore! But not at all because it's the truth. I just want to have my life back. I want to be back in washington waiting on my husband to get home from work, cooking dinner and falling asleep with him every night. But I can't do that. And I get reminded of that every day when I wake up frantically reaching for my husband and he's not there. I have a horrible dream every night and wake up tossing and turning because he's not here. And more than anything I need him to hold me, to talk me back to sleep. And it can't happen. And I don't even want to post this because I don't EVER want him to think it's his fault. Its not, and I know he doesn't like it either. It's just life, I love my life with him, but I'm allowed to dislike the bad that comes with the good.

Obama, please no more troops to Afghanistan. Send him home. Send them all home.

1 comment:

  1. It is okay to feel the way you do. None of us have any idea what your feeling. I had to deal with this when Albert went back to vietnam 2 weeks after we were married. but we were only together alittle while. nothing like you are going through..... It is okay to say exactly how you feel...... we should be more consideate of your feelings. You need to tell us when your having these days so we can listen to you not judge you for feling the way you do. Including me.......... I love you and hope this feeling doesn"t last to long. grandma katy