Most the time I try to make my blog posts somewhat witty. I like to keep the attention of the reader, promote cohesiveness of the passage, etc. But not today, today I'm just going to write.
Holy crap, I'm nervous about college.
Tomorrow morning is my first class of my first course of my first semester back to school in four years. Four years ago, I was eighteen. I was living my life virtually carefree. I had a four-year scholarship. My career paid for. I was surrounded by friends going to the same college. I had scored 29 on my ACT and a 3.86 high school GPA fresh in my head to fall back on. The biggest thing I worried about on the night before my first day of college was what I was going to wear and making sure I woke up in time to make it to class the next morning. (Let's be honest, getting up early is still going to be the hardest part..)
I have this lump in my throat tonight. I worry about my academic brain not being "as good as it once was." I worry about my boys being sick and me having to miss class. I worry (after reading his syllabus) that my english professor is going to fail me IF I have to miss class. I worry that I won't have time to complete my assignments to the caliber that I wish to. I worry I will spread myself too thin and other aspects of my life will suffer.
I worry that I will fail.
Not fail my classes, just fail. I tend to be my toughest critic. If I give up on something, it's a month long grieving process for me. I gave up my post-secondary education once already. This time, my critical self has already told my ambitious self that this is our last chance. I can't give up this time. Having a college education is important to me. I have to do this. I'm bad about looking at things from very immediate point of view. I see what I want in the now, ignore the plans I have made for the future for a moment, and act accordingly.
I'm finishing this post with some advice for us all.
Jack complained earlier this evening of an earache, so when he woke up again about an hour ago I laid with him for a little while until he was almost asleep. I told him that it was time for me to go back to my bed because I was nervous about school tomorrow so I needed to sleep. Through his dreary, little eyes, he said "you be brave at school mama."
I kissed my sweet boy's forehead and came downstairs to write this blog before I hit the hay.
Now to pack my bag, the boys bag, and get that sweet boy's apple juice and peanut butter sandwich ready for the morning because I guarantee he will not be so encouraging at 7 o'clock tomorrow morning