I haven't blogged in over a week. The only thing that I can figure out is that I have blocked myself off from my emotions. Emotional numbness. Right now, I can't tap into that part of my brain. Honestly, I think I went into survival mode or something? This all probably sounds so very silly. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, because honestly I am feeling fine (: I'm staying busy, and happy. I smile a lot. But I can't help but feel like this is not how it's supposed to be. I am baring my heart here and hoping this doesn't upset my husband when I say ... I don't need him right now. I feel like I can handle the next 8 months just fine. On the same token, I feel awful for not being more ... Loving? Towards Jeff. We are fortunate to get to talk a lot and I'm sure he can sense lately that I am not saying "I miss you" as much, or talking about about I really wish he were here. Some of you won't understand this and will probably have a few choice words to say about this. But this is me being honest about how I feel right now and I hope that my words will comfort someone else that is going or will go through something similar.
I also haven't been able to eat much lately. Food makes my stomach hurt. I am struggling to intake at least 800 calories a day (yes I am aware it should be at least 1200). Sleep is hard to come by lately as well, it takes forever to fall asleep and forever to wake up. I have lost 15 pounds in 25 days. I should feel accomplished that I have lost weight, but despite the fact I'm playing volleyball and doing Zumba 5 days a week... I almost feel like I'm cheating since I haven't been eating well. I'm almost embarrassed to tell anyone I've lost weight. I have found that doing Zumba after I put the boys to bed helps exhaust me a little more in the evenings (a good thing when you have a hard time falling asleep).
Regardless of everything, I need to say this:
I know all of this is very hard for you to hear. I know you wish there was something you could do to help me. I hope that you know that no matter how I feel (or don't feel) at this moment I never really stop missing you. Or loving you. Or wanting you back ASAP. I will try really hard to be better
at showing you how much you mean to me. The flowers you sent greeted me this morning and reminded me that I am loved. Just the thought of you makes me smile. The thought of your enduring your second homecoming gives me butterflies (good ones). I can still feel all the happiness you have given me and will give me in our whole life, I just can't feel the sadness of you being away at this moment in our life. I love you, always and forever.