Day 109: Stuck in the Middle

I guess I'm just a little discouraged lately. It feels like Jeff has been gone for a loooooong time and in reality we aren't even halfway done yet. Yes, nine months sounds a lot shorter than a year, and it is. But MAN can we speed this up a bit? I am tired of cheering myself on. 

The boys and I (Luna too) just returned home from being in Ohio for Christmas. We are so lucky to have the family and friends that we do. They are always so supportive. They try really hard to make sure that we are as happy and helped as possible. Still... I ended up running home after 5 days. It was too much. I do well here, at home, surrounded by normalcy. Being back in Ohio is almost like a flood. A whole bunch of emotion, good and bad, hits me like a big wall of water. There's nothing I can do about it except wait it out... or run. I chose to run this time. Maybe next time, I'll be braver.

None the less, the boys had a wonderful Christmas surrounded by our loved ones. We even got to Skype with daddy that evening, which always makes for better days.

Other than that I have been crocheting (a lot). I've been fortunate enough to have had lots of orders to fill in December. My most popular item was this guy:

The Rainbow Owl Hat

I decided to close my shop for 2 weeks to have a break for the holidays. But I'll be back open January 4th (hopefully with some new listings as well). 

I've also been preparing to return to college. I'm so very nervous, but the school I am going to operates on 8-week terms. Which translates to me only having to take 2 classes each term to be considered a full-time student. Good news for me. I am starting simple, one math class and one english class. Starting January 14th I will be a spouse of a deployed husband, with two boys under the age of 3, running a crochet "business", and a full time student.

Ay yi yi. 

Who needs sleep right?

Day 89: Treading Water

You know that part of your life that just always seems to be out of whack. Yeah, I kind of feel like all of the parts of my life are like that right now. 

I understand that it's normal for a wife to feel frazzled during her husband's deployment. But it's too the point that sometimes I just laugh at myself because of all the things I forget. 

Plates I have currently spinning:

1. Keeping my babies happy. Always number one on my list.

2. Being a loving, connected wife to my far away husband (i.e. mailing care packages, reserving time to chat with him, writing letters).

3. Keeping up with my ever-messier house. These boys could make a mess in a completely empty room, I swear.

4. Running my "business". I say it like that because I really it's just a hobby that other people just happened to take interest in. Link to my crochet shop, the yellow palm tree.

5. Making sure I (and the boys) remember and make it to all doctor's appointments. I'm failing at that. I missed one last week and I just found out that Jonah is late for one of his immunizations. Great!

6. Eat, sleep, shower. I suppose I should have this on the list. Yes folks, my memory is getting that bad. 

7. Insert random annoying tasks that need done here... Oil change for Talulah, finish Christmas shopping, washing machine cleaned, grocery shopping, call my high school for transcripts, bang head against wall become wonderwoman.

8. (Place saved for the things I am inevitably forgetting).

Our day wasn't too bad. Last night Jonah woke up screaming for daddy, followed by Jack waking up asking for water. So we didn't roll out of bed this morning until around 10am! That's crazy late in this house. It was nice to sleep in but when I woke up I definitely had that small heart attack every mother gets when they wake up before their kids and don't hear them in their rooms. 

This afternoon, two of my best girlfriends and I decided to have a "craft night." I worked out crochet orders, Nicole worked on a Christmas present, and Jackie made super cute hats and baby pants from old sweaters. So adorable. It was so good to sit and talk with Jackie and Nicole. And the boys always have a blast playing in her playroom with all the toys they don't have at our house. 

I didn't get to talk to my husband much today. Busy days make me miss him. Well, all days make me miss him. But days where we can't talk much always make me more sad. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up to a "good morning" message from a special someone (:

Day 88: Hiatus

*HAPPY DANCE*
Almost 33% done with this "yucky deployment" as Jack calls it. Seeing that green grow makes me happy. Hurry up time!

Where have I been?

I have been enjoying my life. (And avoiding talking about deployment, don't judge me). I have kind of separated myself from lots of people that I love very much... my family back home, friends here at Campbell and further away. If it's you I'm talking about and you are reading this, please don't take offense to my unavailability. I run, I'm a runner. I realized in the beginning of this deployment that talking makes me sad. So I stopped doing it. Though, I still really appreciate everyone's support and kind words and love. I can feel it from miles away! Just don't expect me to talk back. Smiling and nodding is probably as much as you will get from me, I hope that's okay.

How am I doing?

Ah, there it is. The most asked question of a military spouse during a deployment. Well, I guess you could say I'm hanging in there pretty well. I have more good days than bad days anymore. The nights are still really hard. Nights are when I don't get to talk to Jeff, and I'm alone while the boys are sleeping peacefully. Sometimes the quiet gets to me. Music is on almost constantly in my house, it helps a lot more than anything else I've found. My friends, Nicole and Stephen have been sent to me from heaven I swear. They take care of anything I need help with and they never let me eat dinner alone (which is a big deal in our family).


How are the boys?

Hehe. The boys are crazy as ever! The are eating almost constantly (uhm, mother-in-law who has done this before... why did you not warn me about how hard it is to keep any food in the house?). At three-and-a-half and 17 months, these "minions" keep my life interesting, exciting, full of laughter, and oh... they make me want to pull my hair out sometimes. Did I mention that? (But that's a rant for another day). How could you not love those silly faces?

Jack is loving school. His teacher, Mrs. Faith says that he's doing wonderful. He can (kind of) sing the alphabet song now. He counts to 10, sometimes further. His favorite thing to do at school is to play in the water table, so much so I have to pack two extra shirts for him each day. My favorite part about age 3 has been watching Jack learn and explain things in his own way. He says the funniest things, and he wants to know everything about everything. Per his request, I explained water towers to him a few weeks ago and he has been interested ever since. His favorite song is "the hey song" (AKA "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers) and he loves to sing and dance. I love the way he says things in his own special way. Just the other day I heard him telling Jonah to stay away from the Christmas tree and he said "Brother Allen you don't touch that, you hear?!" And he likes to ask questions now with "no?" on the end. Ex: "Thats a watertower, no?" or "I have school today, no?" He's such a goof, with such a big personality. I should start blogging more just to share his silliness with y'all.

Jonah is rotten. That's the best way I can explain his little personality. He recently began to cut all four canine teeth, or devil teeth, my own personal name for them. Jonah is all about Jonah right now. If he doesn't want to get dressed, it's a 10 minute squirmy, whiney, crying fest. He loooooooves to pull ornaments off the Christmas tree and his favorite words are "yesh" and "nawh". Take a guess at which one he uses more often (; Despite everything, he is still my cuddly baby boy. He has never really been attached to any sort of comfort toy until recently. His blanket never leaves his sight anymore. He likes to bring it to me and ask "baby up pwease" which is code for: mommy, I want you to pick me up, wrap me up in my blankey, and cuddle me tight. Oh, and no you can't do anything else, I want all your attention. K? Okay, thanks.

I have to be honest though. Jonah would much rather play with his big brother than mommy anymore. His least favorite part of the day is when Jack is at school. And if Jonah is not with me when I go to pick Jack up, Jack immediately says he wants his brother. It's adorable to me how much they love each other. Of course, they fight and get upset with each other. But I believe they are going to be the stability each other needs during the rest of this deployment and beyond. There's a saying floating around pinterest

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero" 

Truth 

(:

Day 25: Why am I not more sad?

I haven't blogged in over a week. The only thing that I can figure out is that I have blocked myself off from my emotions. Emotional numbness. Right now, I can't tap into that part of my brain. Honestly, I think I went into survival mode or something? This all probably sounds so very silly. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, because honestly I am feeling fine (: I'm staying busy, and happy. I smile a lot. But I can't help but feel like this is not how it's supposed to be. I am baring my heart here and hoping this doesn't upset my husband when I say ... I don't need him right now. I feel like I can handle the next 8 months just fine. On the same token, I feel awful for not being more ... Loving? Towards Jeff. We are fortunate to get to talk a lot and I'm sure he can sense lately that I am not saying "I miss you" as much, or talking about about I really wish he were here. Some of you won't understand this and will probably have a few choice words to say about this. But this is me being honest about how I feel right now and I hope that my words will comfort someone else that is going or will go through something similar.

 

I also haven't been able to eat much lately. Food makes my stomach hurt. I am struggling to intake at least 800 calories a day (yes I am aware it should be at least 1200). Sleep is hard to come by lately as well, it takes forever to fall asleep and forever to wake up. I have lost 15 pounds in 25 days. I should feel accomplished that I have lost weight, but despite the fact I'm playing volleyball and doing Zumba 5 days a week... I almost feel like I'm cheating since I haven't been eating well. I'm almost embarrassed to tell anyone I've lost weight. I have found that doing Zumba after I put the boys to bed helps exhaust me a little more in the evenings (a good thing when you have a hard time falling asleep).

 

Regardless of everything, I need to say this:

 

Jeff,

I know all of this is very hard for you to hear. I know you wish there was something you could do to help me. I hope that you know that no matter how I feel (or don't feel) at this moment I never really stop missing you. Or loving you. Or wanting you back ASAP. I will try really hard to be better

at showing you how much you mean to me. The flowers you sent greeted me this morning and reminded me that I am loved. Just the thought of you makes me smile. The thought of your enduring your second homecoming gives me butterflies (good ones). I can still feel all the happiness you have given me and will give me in our whole life, I just can't feel the sadness of you being away at this moment in our life. I love you, always and forever.

(Jeff took Jack's Elmo with him to Afghanistan so he could take some photos with him around the FOB doing stuff that daddy does. It's been a great comfort for Jack, and Jonah too).

 

 

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Day 17: Getting Back on Track

Today I finally felt like I could make it through this deployment. It's a good feeling. I have wonderful husband who loves me very much and is (fortunately) able to contact me quite often. I have wonderful friends here who keep me busy, they help whenever I ask, they are just there. I have wonderful friends and family back home that constantly amaze me with their kind word, encouragement, and love. I have two wonderful babies who keep my world turning even I wish I could stop it for a second, they "know" and assure me we have to keep going. I have a wonderful life. Someday, this deployment will be an accomplishment for us rather than an obstacle. That day will come. It will. I just have to keep remembering that. In the meantime, I need to keep busy!

 

We started off the day kind of rocky. I think I have washed, am washing, or will wash every surface/fabric in my house before long. Why you ask? Potty training is definitely regressing. *thumbs down* So frustrating. He won't tell me when he has to go. If I ask him, he just says he doesn't to go. And if I tell him he needs to go try, he screams, throws a big dramatic fit and then (usually) gets in there and does his business. But lately, he just goes wherever and whenever he wants. The floor, the couch, my bed (he also got my "I'm going to keep and sleep with this shirt because it smells like Jeff" shirt on that one. I tried not to be really mad but I really was. Definitely a mommy fail). I am at a loss. I sure hope it gets better soon. Potty training makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall. But... A big kiss from my littlest love definitely helped lift my spirits this morning.

 

 

 

We went out to the mall today to get Jack a few more pieces of fall clothing. He has to take 1-2 extra outfits with him to school each day just in case (mostly because of potty training) and he only had 6 pairs of long pants. So Jeff and I decided together that we should let him pick out some more clothes he likes, he's probably old enough for that. These were his absolute favorite pick of the day:

 

Bright red corduroy pants (: He wanted the gold ones too but I told him that daddy said only one pair of crazy pants today. So he got a pair of jeans, a few long sleeve shirts, and little brother got a shirt too.

 

Tonight was my very first volleyball game.

 

 

The girls I play softball with in the summer started a team that plays in a rec league here on post. It's nothing serious but it's a lot of fun. I hadn't seen most my teammates in a few months so it was awesome to be back with them. I started late but there's a few weeks of games left I'll get to play with them. I was sort of nervous at first because I hadn't played since the 9th grade, but I don't think I played too badly. I need to work on serving mostly, my arm isnt as strong as it used to be. We brought home the team's first WIN tonight in 2 games. Not too shabby. I already can't wait for our next game Thursday.

 

My friend, Nicole, and I have decided to take up Zumba recently as well. I did Zumba regularly in the spring but got sick, had to stop for a week or so, and never went back to it. We have an Xbox Kinect and my sweet husband bought me the Zumba game for birthday I believe. For now, I am much more comfortable shaking my booty in the privacy of my own home. Nicole feels the same. So each night, I put my boys to bed. Her boys lounge around my house for about an hour, and we dance our little hearts out, burn calories and crack up laughing at each other. Perfect, right?

 

 

That's me, the Zumba Rocker. Hehe. I should probably work on my technique a bit though.

 

Tomorrow is Jack's second day of school. He was quite attached to me today. So we may have a little bit or separation anxiety going on, but I don't think he'll have any problems come time to drop him off tomorrow. Yesterday when I picked him up he said he had a lot of fun at school and he and Jonah grabbed hands and walked towards the car together. Sooooo cute. They melt my heart and put it back together ... pretty much everyday.

 

 

After a minute, Jack looked back at me over his shoulder and said "Thanks for getting me back mom"

He always knows just what to say. He is amazing. Even when he photobombs my self portrait :P

 

Until tomorrow folks (:

 

 

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Day 16: Jack's First Day of Preschool

I can't believe that is the title I get to write today. Just over three years ago, I was holding him in my arms as I introduced him to his daddy. I once came across quote about parenthood that has been my favorite ever since. It said "You are the best adventure." I haven't heard anything about parenthood more true than that. Jack and Jonah are my absolute best adventure, but today Jack started a big adventure of his own.

 

Jack Jack,

You are the best adventure. My first born. I never knew how much I could love, until I loved you. You started a new adventure today. It will be scary sometimes, fun other times, and there will always be something new that you are supposed to learn. There are other kids at school. Some will want to play with you, some won't. Some kids will be good at coloring, other kids are good at dancing, or building towers. Sometimes you might get frustrated at school, and that's okay. Your daddy and I want you to know that we aren't sending you to school to become the best color-er, or the best dancer, or the best builder of the tallest towers. We don't care about that one bit. We are sending you to school to practice being brave, being kind, and being you. Keep being you. That's the most important thing. Learn how to be you even when others make it hard. You, Jackie James, are sweet, you are the best hugger I know, you are the bestest friend your little brother could ever have, you make the best pretend turkey sandwich I've ever pretend tasted. You are smart, you are quick as a whip, and you are goofy. You are the only you in the world, I can assure you of that. Mommy and Daddy will be brave too, we will remember that you are ready to fly and share yourself and your gifts with the world even if we still see you as that 8 pound baby we were blessed with some years ago. We will be your biggest fans, loudest cheerleaders, and that voice in your head saying "you can do it, Jack Jack".

We love you more than there stars in the sky, we'll love you longer than the universe could ever last, and our love for you is as dependable as the "shun being awaked" every morning!

Forever and always little man,

Love Mommy and Daddy.

 

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Day 15: A Whole Half a Month

Know what that means? We are about 6% done.

Woo, *happy dance*

Today wasn't that exciting. I spent seven hours in the car out-numbered by two toddlers and a crazy pup. A lesser woman wouldn't have attempted it but it was a breeze.. Haha, I hope you didn't fall for that one.

 

I knew it was going to be an interesting day when Jonah wanted to help me get ready this morning.

 

Yes, that's my hairbrush in his mouth. Hehe, goofy boy.

About halfway through the drive I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw this

 

That blob of blanket is covering a sleeping 3-year-old who assured me he wasn't tired up until the very second he fell asleep. I only looked in the mirror because I heard Jonah say "nigh nigh, luh you". My children are the cutest, not that I'm biased or anything. In all honesty, I think Jack went to sleep out of pure confusion and exhaustion. As soon as we left my mom's this morning he started telling me that we needed to go to our house and daddy was at our house playing his game (the X-box is what I assume he meant). I explained to him that daddy wasn't there but he didnt believe me. He got angry and upset and went straight into another "I MISS YOU DADDY" screaming fit while clutching his daddy doll. That is one of the most heart-wrenching sounds I've had to endure hearing in my lifetime. He finally reduced to sobbing and fell asleep saying "I not tired mom".

When Jack woke up I decided to stop at a rest area to let us all out to stretch our legs (and let out the heavy sadness that seemed to be lingering in the car from knowing we were going home to an empty house).

 

 

I think they felt much better after getting out and running around for a bit. We stopped for lunch shortly after that, I swear these boys could eat constantly if I let them. I thought the "eating machine" phase didn't come until they were teenagers? Apparently, their eating habits are the same age as their attitudes.

We stopped at Kroger's on the way home for a short grocery trip. I knew I had almost nothing in the house, so it was necessary.

 

After that I came home and made dinner for my boys and our friends. I must say it was great to see them after being away for a week. We aren't used to going more than a few days without our families getting together. The boys destroyed played in the playroom. And Nicole, Stephen and I laughed until we were almost in tears. Jack flipping out and running to retrieve his nose when Stephen would "steal" it was pretty funny. But Nicole took the cake tonight. I kid you not our conversation went like this:

Me: "My birthday is easy to remember because it's a holiday"

Nicole: I know it's Cinco de Mayo but I don't know when that is"

*commence giggling now*

 

Stephen and I both laughed so hard it made my face hurt, feels good to laugh that hard sometimes. Hehe, thank you for that Nicole (I hope you don't take offense to my sharing :P )

Seeing as he's the baby, Abel didn't get to play in the playroom with the bigger boys... but he got to sleep, barf, and fart on me, and that seemed to satisfy him enough.

 

 

He's just so cute. He discovered Luna tonight. She sat up on the couch beside him and he just grinned, it was adorable.

 

Time to cuddle up with my husband's shirt and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for the Davis house and a certain 3-year-old (:

 

 

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Days 13 & 14: Vacationing at home is happily exhausting

Keeping busy is good in when your spouse is deployed. Thank goodness for that, because busy is what I have been. We have been fortunate enough to have visited with lots of our loved ones over the past week. Yesterday I was so exhausted from all the fun I didn't even have the energy to blog. My mama was nice enough to get up with the boys and let me sleep in this morning. Let me tell you, that is THE BEST gift you can give a military spouse who has children, sleep. Tomorrow I head back south to Fort Campbell so here's a few photos from our last couple days of this this trip.

Yesterday we started off our day with an amazing surprise. DADDY (:

 

We met Jenna at Sumburger (a restaurant exclusive to my hometown) for lunch. The boys are very good at holding still, or waiting, or keep our eating area clean. So I always feel bad when I take them out to eat, knowing most the time someone will scream at some point and we will leave a mess behind. Though this time, Jack decided to take his mess with him.

I don't think Jenna will make the mistake of giving a three-year-old cheese fries (without a hose readily available) again. Especially since my rule is, "you get them messy, you get to clean them up".

Fifteen wet wipes later, we were ready for the park. I am fortunate enough to grow up in a town that as a gorgeous city park. A huge pond with a bridge, lots of ducks, a sidewalk path around it, lots of playground equipment. It's just awesome, and I love to watch my boys boys play in the same places I remember going when I was little.

 

 

My friend Jacob met us there with his dog, Butch, to take a walk, play, run around like crazy, and catch up. Jacob and I have been friends since elementary school and I hadn't seen him for two years. In that time he has been through a lot, including a tour in Afghanistan. There is something to be said about hugging an old friend you haven't seen in way too long when you've wanted to be there for them sooner, but couldn't. Of course, the boys loved playing with Jacob and his dog. And I loved being able to finally catch up with him.

 

After the park naps, and dinner, Jack, Avery, my mama, and I went to the my high school's football game. My little brother, Max, and my husband's little sister, Lauren, are in the marching band so we went to watch them perform. We also met my two brother-in-laws there, Jacob and Justin. Did you get all that? Haha.

 

This is Jacob and I. He reminds me a lot of Jeff so it's always really comforting for me to spend time with him. And he was just as nervous as I was about Jack running around in the huge crowds of people. Haha.

 

 

Jack and his aunt Avery and uncle Justin. I sometimes wonder how my boys got so lucky. Our family may be unconventional because Jack is only 4 years apart from both of them, but they love each other, all three of them. The kids are like one big family. People always find it odd that Jeff and I both have little siblings that are that young, but I think that makes our family kind of special (:

 

Even Jeff enjoyed the game with us (Sorry hunny, but you were lovingly held by the hair most the night).

 

Today was uneventful. I wanted it that way. Both my boys and myself were exhausted. We aren't used to this much time out and about and this much fun. So worth it for sure, but the day before a long road trip it's important to me that we all get some down time. So after I woke up at 10am (thank you sooooo much mama) I spent most of my day crocheting, washing our clothing so I don't have to do it all when I get home, and trying to gather all our stuff from around my mom's house. Though, I know I will forget a few things, I always do. The boys played outside, and if they were inside they were doing this.

 

Watching old "Tom and Jerry" episodes in German with Avery. Yes I said, in German. My 8-year-old sister prefers her cartoons in German. Haha. She never ceases to surprise me.

 

Tomorrow I get to do this for 7 hours:

 

That drive is so boring. But today my daddy checked my oil, put air in my tires, and said Talulah is ready for the trip back to Ft Campbell. Please cross your fingers the boys don't hate me for saying we have to leave Nan's and my trip is as uneventful as can be expected with two toddlers.

P.S. Today marks two weeks down in this deployment (though it feels like its been much longer). That means we are 5 percent done. Not too shabby.

Hope y'all are having a wonderful weekend

(:

 

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Day 12: Good, Busy Day

Jeff finally made it to his final destination. This makes me happy for more than one reason. It means he probably going to stay put for a while (thus being safer for a while). He has a bed to sleep in and a space (even if it's small) to call his own. Lastly, it means he will be on some sort of schedule, which reduces my stress immensely. It means I don't worry as much because I know what he's doing and when we will talk (approximately). That alone makes a military wife's shoulders feel a bit lighter. On top of all that, right now it looks like his schedule is allowing for him to be awake when I'm awake, and asleep when I'm asleep. *happy dance*. Thank you, Army for the small break, it means a lot.

 

Today we had lunch with my friend Ashley at our favorite Chinese restaurant. The boys were so happy to see her. Even though it was like a three ring circus, as it always is when we go out to eat, they were fairly well behaved today. It was good to catch up with a friend that I've known since elementary school as well. Ashley turns twenty-two tomorrow, so happy early birthday to her (: we love you and hope its wonderful.

 

We stopped at the store on the way home to do something I have been planning for a while. I took Jack and let him pick out stuff for his "Letters to Daddy" bag. I decided a few months ago I wanted Jack to have special supplies that only get used when he's writing/drawing for daddy. That way, upon daddy's return when I ask him if he wants to color a picture for daddy... he won't flip out and think Jeff is leaving again. So today we bought all this:

Toddler friendly crayons, a notebook Jack picked out (daddy will be proud it has a corvette on the front), bright blue envelopes (again I let Jack pick), a little calendar for Jack to mark off days in, and a stamp pad and train stamp so daddy will always know who they are from when he sees the envelope with the train (or 500 trains, Jack is excited about stamping). We also got a little pouch to keep it all in, which Jack will get to decorate with fabric markers and I will write Letters to Daddy on. He is super excited to "write his first letter" tomorrow. I can't wait to see what he comes up with. I'm sure it will be nothing that I will understand, and Jeff will have no problem reading it. They are silly like that (:

We came back to Nan's house to repeat Jack's favorite part of the day.

 

They are just so darn cute. Right after this Avery said "Katie, let's get a picture with all three of us" ... Jack has been calling me "Katie" at least 50% of the time ever since. I tried to explain the your mama is Avery's sister and that's why she blah blah blah. It got me no where. So I banged my head on the ground... just took a photo like they wanted.

 

After Jonah woke up from his nap we went in town for dinner. Man. Oh. Man. I sure married into a good family. My husband's Nanny is the best chicken-fryer that I know. God help me, I think I gained 5 pounds tonight. On top of that, Nanny is pretty much amazing at everything, especially being a great-grandma.

 

My boys are very lucky (:

Granddad was there too and was happy to see Jonah and his "#2" (Granddad is Jackie James, the orignial). Jeff's parents also came and all his little siblings. It felt really good to be surrounded by people that love Jeff as much as I do. Jonah played with his grandma Laura for a good bid of the evening. his favorite game was "How many grapes can grandma hold in her cheeks at once" haha

 

The boys were out by the time we got back to my mom's house, Jonah went straight to bed and Jack got to stay up a bit longer to play with Avery. Their playtime ended with Avery reading him two books. He loved it. He sat quietly (more so than when I or daddy read to him) and listened to her every word. And even at 8 years old, she was so animated. I love listening to them. Most people look at Avery and notice how small she is. I look at her and I cannot believe how big she is. She was my pseudo first child. I was 14 when she was born and I remember missing her while I was at school. She weighed barely 5 lbs when she came into this world, spent 2 weeks in the NICU fighting to stay healthy, and then spent the next 8 years defying every judgment that told her "you are too small." Today I looked at her and finally realized she is not a baby anymore. I know this all sounds silly because I'm not her mother, just her big sister. Today, I saw a smart, gorgeous, funny, loving, sweet little girl. Coming home is hard, as I've mentioned before, especially without Jeff. But Avery, that sweet girl, always makes me feel like I've moved mountains to get here. She usually jumps on me when I walk through the door. She missed me. "She remembers how much I love her and she missed me"... That's what goes through my mind when she hugs me. In times like these, 12 days after my husband went to war, a hug like that from a little sister like her can heal my heart.

 

<3

 

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Day 11: Making an Effort Anyways

I've always said I will be honest. I don't want to be one of those people that always writes about her perfect little life. My life is far from perfect, but it's mine... and for some silly reason y'all have taken an interest in reading about it (:

 

Today was rough from the start. My sweet (almost)15 month-old was a tornado today. My mama's house began to look like I turned a blender on and forgot the lid. Jack thought it'd be a good idea to ride the back of the recliner like a horse. And when I used my mom voice to say "Jackie James Davis the second, you get down from there" I totally spooked him and down he went over the back. He wasn't hurt, but I don't think he'll do that again. Geesh child, mama does NOT want gray hair, in case you misunderstood. Even the Dogs in The house were losing it. Walter (the ridiculously cute black puppy from yesterday's post) broke Jack's favorite toy :( Jack mourned poor "Cranky" for at least 15 minutes, which is a good bit of time in toddler world. Walter then moved on to chasing Luna constantly, trying to get her to play. Luna was not amused.

 

Deciding that my mom's house was one mess away from the walls caving in, I packed up the boys and went in town to visit with my grandma and aunt Amy. I always love going to visit my grandma, it brings me back to my childhood. I used to love staying with her. My grandma has always been supportive if my decisions even if she didn't agree with them, and I could never thank her enough for that. The boys so enjoyed playing with her and aunt Amy today, makes my heart happy.

 

After that, Jonah was more than ready for a nap so we ventured back out to "Nan's" house. Jonah went right to sleep, and Jack and I cuddled on the couch until his favorite part of the day came... The part of the day when Avery gets off the bus (:

 

They are like two peas in a pod. They really look like they could be siblings, actually. Jack wants to do whatever Avery wants to do.. and Avery usually doesn't mind the shadow (: Shortly after that mama got home from her first day back to work after surgery. She said she had a great day, was so happy to see all her kiddos and teacher friends, and felt pretty good. She was also happy to come home to this:

 

Seriously adorable right?

 

We went to visit grandpa Kevin and eat dinner with him this evening. On the way over, Jack completely lost it out of the blue. Screaming at the top of his lungs for his daddy, clinging to his daddy doll. He wasn't in trouble, or upset or anything. Then all of a sudden he was a complete mess. He cried so hard, he gagged. I ended up having to pull over console him the best I could. It was horrible. (Here comes the truth part.) I am having a really hard time with the fact that Jeff and I brought our children into this world knowing they would have to hurt like this. I can't forgive myself for letting them go through this pain. I knew if I had a child, they would have to deal with a deployment, they would have to hurt, to cry, to miss their daddy. And I knew Jeff would miss special moments (like Jack being born), and would hurt because he missed them so bad, and that he would feel guilty. And I let it happen anyways. I don't for a second regret bringing my children into this world, so please don't hold this against me. It's very hard to explain, this emotion. I'm not even sure I really know what it is. I'm just disappointed in myself for not being able to take this pain away for my husband and my children. Of course I am hurting too, but at this moment I can't really feel that... I'm just feeling everything for them maybe?

 

Despite today's challenges, I made myself wear a cute dress, put on make-up, get out of the house, and smile anyways. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

 

P.S. I hope my husband calls soon, I really miss him and could definitely use the reassurance his voice saying "It's all going to be okay, babe" gives me.

 

This tired girl and I are hitting the hay.

Goooooooodnight.

 

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Day 10: Grandma's House

"We had a great day, it was a super way... to spend... some time together"

5 extra awesome mom points for anyone that can tell me what kids show that is from (:

But seriously, we had a great day. Today was my mom's last day off work after having surgery a few weeks ago, so we celebrated her health and spent the day together with her at the same time. My mama even treated me to lunch at Bob Evans. So good. We picked up some things we needed, including some new fleece pajams for the boys (this mama totally underestimated how cold fall, Ohio nights are in a country home). Though the nights are colder than expected, I am so very happy to be home, in my mama and stepdad's house. We are surrounded by open air, back roads, woods, animals, farms... I love it (: I always feel more like myself during/after a visit back home. It grounds me, in a way. I guess "back to my roots" isn't such a silly saying after all.

The boys also have a blast here, Jack especially. He spent 3 hours just playing outside, running, jumping, digging, riding, giggling. It melted my heart to see him so very happy after everything he's been going through lately.

He mostly played by himself or with the dogs outside while waiting for Avery to get home from school. But when he wanted a playmate, Nan wasn't far behind.

 

We also were lucky enough to receive visits from aunt Kathy and Jenna today. It's always good to catch up with aunt Kathy and Jenna has been one of my very best friends since the 10th grade... so most the time we just pick up where we left off last time I was home visiting (:

We got a message from daddy that said he's on the move again, so please say a prayer for safe travels for him. Other than that we didn't do much of anything today, the boys enjoyed themselves, I crocheted for an hour or more straight today (an accomplishment in itself with my children). And I got to meet and hang out with this adorable, little guy.

His name is Walter (: He is my mama's newest addition to her "pack". He is a yorkie/poodle puppy and is "three kinds of crazy" as Jack called him this morning. Haha. But he's sooooo cute and sweet. How could you not love that face?

I'm off to bed to cross my fingers and toes that I wake up to a message or call from across the globe (:

G'night all.

 

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