Sunday, November 15, 2009

Facing myself

My, it has been a while hasn't it..

I have been out taking a personal leave of absence for my emotional well being. I think I am ready to write again. I feel like I have been running, and running, and running.. in circles. Looking, frantically searching for anything and everything to fill the void that has been formed from Jeff being gone. Deep inside I know nothing can heal my heart but my husband. But still, I scan the earth over for the one thing that will make me feel whole again, knowing perfectly well that the "thing" (the person) is far far away. How do I keep this from defeating me? I still have not come to a conclusion that lets me win. I will tell you though, I will promise you, I will vow under God's watchful eye that I will never stop battling. For my husband, for my son, for myself.. I will not let this depression inhabit my body again. I am better than you, depression. I am better than you in every form that you possess. You are a rude comment from a stranger, I will respond to you with a witty, compelling argument and a smile. You are a feeling of failure in myself, I will remind myself I'm doing my best and smile. You are the waterfall falling down my face from the pain of the cold pillow beside me, I will let God heal my heart and carry me until I can walk on my own again.

I am here to tell you, you are not going to win this time. I am a strong woman. I will prevail over you.

Let my words heal those of you that are having a hard time as well. Please let them into your heart. 

"When I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me.
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability.
How refreshing to know You don't need me,
how amazing to find that You want me.
So I'll stand on Your truth and I'll fight with Your strength
'til You bring the victory,
by the power of Christ in me."
In me, Casting Crowns

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