Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Half Woman, Half Beachball

Well, 38 weeks today. And yes, I'm aware that I look like I've swallowed a watermelon, or a basketball, or something around that size. Of course this is the normal appearance for this stage of pregnancy. But even with that reassurance, I do not feel any "cuter" per say. There are many things that they do not tell you about pregnancy. And in my opinion, I could totally teach the most effective sex education class to date. I could single handedly bring the teen pregnancy rate down by a significant percentage with the stories I have to share. I think they don't tell you this stuff, because they are scared that the population growth would come to a screeching hault. Understandably though, after knowing what I know.

Two pink lines, a + sign, "pregnant." Any of these on that disgusting little stick drenched in pee means you are about to start the most uncomfortable, gross 9 months of your life to date. The fact that you have to pee on a stick should be your first clue that maybe the rest of this process is not going to be so attractive. Anyways, jump for joy mama because you won't be jumping much longer. Spend the next week eating anything and everything that you've ever been fond of. Because in one week you won't be able... UH OH! Scratch that one week estimation. You are praising the ceramic throne right about now. Your hubby brings you water, and your copy of "What to expect when your expecting" per your request, because you are SURE you should not be feeling this sick. Relief is absent among the pages. You find out that morning sickness is anything but MORNING sickness, it lasts all day and sometimes all night as well. People tell you, your second trimester will be soooo much better. Well, the 13th week comes and goes... So does your hope for relief. Just when your about to give up, the sun comes up on a new day and you feel like going for a walk. For the first time in a long time, your starting to feel normal, you're going out and doing things, people are telling you how adorable your "baby bump" is. You quite frankly, feel great, compared to your last three months. Yay! pregnancy is sort of fun. Call your sister, tell her you'll meet her to go shopping at 9 tomorrow morning. You wake up, the clock says 8:01. Wait thats backwards! It says 1:08! that CAN'T be right. Waddle to the next room.. that clock says it too! "How could I have slept that long?" you wonder. Your phone says 14 missed calls. Some from each member of your family, they've all thought something was wrong when you didn't show up for your shopping excursion. You are mad! You just want everyone to leave you alone. You post a message online saying to everyone to BUTT OUT! Wait, why are you mad? They are just worried right? Ah, its your third trimester is saying hello. You go back to bed and wake up just in time to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry's and watch America's Next Top Model. But, you only stay in front of the tv long enough to finish the pint. Because models make you want to put your hands around their 110 pound necks and squeeze til the single carrot they had for lunch comes out. Your husband's home. You are angry with him already. All you want to do is take a bath and lay down for the night, and he wants to take you to dinner. You win. He gets take out for dinner. OWWWW! Who punched me in the gut? OW OW OW! I'm pregnant, why is aunt flo cramping in your stomach? Oh, wait, refer to your "what to expect"... its just Braxton Hicks.. completely normal part of hell. Relax, take it easy, the doctors say. But don't forget that staying active will make you more comfortable during labor. Really? He wants you to walk a mile every night? How about HE get out here and hold a bowling ball between HIS legs and walk on a bumpy sidewalk, on feet that are swollen to twice their size. Not to mention the 230940403598 hundred people that ask you "Oh hunnie, you're huge! You've gone over your due date? Why don't you get induced?" No, ignorant person, I have NOT in fact gone over my due date.. I am just normally this huge, and thank you for reminding me. Finally, you've made it to 38 weeks, you're almost there they say.. that baby can come any day.. Sorry, but any day is NOT good enough for me unless "any" is today. Refering back to kindergarten.. I don't remember learning an "ANYday" between MONday and FRIday.

To be continued... When ANYday finally comes.

1 comment:

  1. That is the most hilarious, true thing I have ever read. No one tells you any of that stuff. You feel like crap and no one seems to think of that when they are telling you how huge you look. Hang in there because, believe it or not, you will miss being pregnant. Of course, not right away, but someday you will. I think that schools should let the girls read what you have written. I bet that the teen pregnancy rate would drop dramatically. Hang in there because even though you feel like crap, you are beautiful.