Day 11: Making an Effort Anyways

I've always said I will be honest. I don't want to be one of those people that always writes about her perfect little life. My life is far from perfect, but it's mine... and for some silly reason y'all have taken an interest in reading about it (:

 

Today was rough from the start. My sweet (almost)15 month-old was a tornado today. My mama's house began to look like I turned a blender on and forgot the lid. Jack thought it'd be a good idea to ride the back of the recliner like a horse. And when I used my mom voice to say "Jackie James Davis the second, you get down from there" I totally spooked him and down he went over the back. He wasn't hurt, but I don't think he'll do that again. Geesh child, mama does NOT want gray hair, in case you misunderstood. Even the Dogs in The house were losing it. Walter (the ridiculously cute black puppy from yesterday's post) broke Jack's favorite toy :( Jack mourned poor "Cranky" for at least 15 minutes, which is a good bit of time in toddler world. Walter then moved on to chasing Luna constantly, trying to get her to play. Luna was not amused.

 

Deciding that my mom's house was one mess away from the walls caving in, I packed up the boys and went in town to visit with my grandma and aunt Amy. I always love going to visit my grandma, it brings me back to my childhood. I used to love staying with her. My grandma has always been supportive if my decisions even if she didn't agree with them, and I could never thank her enough for that. The boys so enjoyed playing with her and aunt Amy today, makes my heart happy.

 

After that, Jonah was more than ready for a nap so we ventured back out to "Nan's" house. Jonah went right to sleep, and Jack and I cuddled on the couch until his favorite part of the day came... The part of the day when Avery gets off the bus (:

 

They are like two peas in a pod. They really look like they could be siblings, actually. Jack wants to do whatever Avery wants to do.. and Avery usually doesn't mind the shadow (: Shortly after that mama got home from her first day back to work after surgery. She said she had a great day, was so happy to see all her kiddos and teacher friends, and felt pretty good. She was also happy to come home to this:

 

Seriously adorable right?

 

We went to visit grandpa Kevin and eat dinner with him this evening. On the way over, Jack completely lost it out of the blue. Screaming at the top of his lungs for his daddy, clinging to his daddy doll. He wasn't in trouble, or upset or anything. Then all of a sudden he was a complete mess. He cried so hard, he gagged. I ended up having to pull over console him the best I could. It was horrible. (Here comes the truth part.) I am having a really hard time with the fact that Jeff and I brought our children into this world knowing they would have to hurt like this. I can't forgive myself for letting them go through this pain. I knew if I had a child, they would have to deal with a deployment, they would have to hurt, to cry, to miss their daddy. And I knew Jeff would miss special moments (like Jack being born), and would hurt because he missed them so bad, and that he would feel guilty. And I let it happen anyways. I don't for a second regret bringing my children into this world, so please don't hold this against me. It's very hard to explain, this emotion. I'm not even sure I really know what it is. I'm just disappointed in myself for not being able to take this pain away for my husband and my children. Of course I am hurting too, but at this moment I can't really feel that... I'm just feeling everything for them maybe?

 

Despite today's challenges, I made myself wear a cute dress, put on make-up, get out of the house, and smile anyways. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

 

P.S. I hope my husband calls soon, I really miss him and could definitely use the reassurance his voice saying "It's all going to be okay, babe" gives me.

 

This tired girl and I are hitting the hay.

Goooooooodnight.

 

Posted with Blogsy