Friday, May 7, 2010
Yes it's 0215, but I have to get this out
I think my heart just broke into a million pieces. My precious baby boy was exhausted when we got home. We had quite a long day today. He went right to sleep in his pack and play when we got home. (We are both sleeping in the living room since all our furniture is moved out, me on an air mattress, him in his pack and play). He's been sound asleep since 10pm, not moved once. All the sudden I hear this painful "Moommmmmmaaaa" kind of cry. So I jump up and immediately pick him up, and his eyes are still closed. He keeps crying, and it's one of the worst kind.. like he is hurting. I check him over and nothing is hurt, nothing's wrong. I'm at a loss. He is squirming, his eyes still shut. So I bring him over to my bed (well, my air mattress) and lay him down beside me. He opens his eyes and looks around, spots my laptop at the end of the bed. Using my arm, he pulls himself to a sitting position and stops crying. I sit up, confused to say the least to see what the heck is going on. He's sitting, staring at the computer. Not even blinking. Just staring... and hoping. At this point thirty or so seconds have gone by and I realize what's going on. When he realizes his daddy isn't coming onto that screen, his eyes slowly start to fill with sadness again. Tears building up and his expression frowning so severely I fear might cry too. He bursts into a sad sob. He wants his daddy. He wants to see his daddy. And talk to his daddy. And he can't, so he's sad. I try to take him away from the computer and he fights me. He just sits there and sobs. I try to close the laptop, knowing that seeing the screen without Jeff there makes it worse for him, as soon as I start to close it, he screams. So I leave it. He starts to calm down, just sniffling now. Now I'm the only one crying. And he turns his little body around and grabs me, holding onto me. I finally pull it together, and we both just sniffle in silence, trying to let the our hearts heal one another. He's asleep now on my lap. It took him a while to get there though, he kept turning his head around just to see if maybe, just maybe daddy was there.