Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 25: Why am I not more sad?

I haven't blogged in over a week. The only thing that I can figure out is that I have blocked myself off from my emotions. Emotional numbness. Right now, I can't tap into that part of my brain. Honestly, I think I went into survival mode or something? This all probably sounds so very silly. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, because honestly I am feeling fine (: I'm staying busy, and happy. I smile a lot. But I can't help but feel like this is not how it's supposed to be. I am baring my heart here and hoping this doesn't upset my husband when I say ... I don't need him right now. I feel like I can handle the next 8 months just fine. On the same token, I feel awful for not being more ... Loving? Towards Jeff. We are fortunate to get to talk a lot and I'm sure he can sense lately that I am not saying "I miss you" as much, or talking about about I really wish he were here. Some of you won't understand this and will probably have a few choice words to say about this. But this is me being honest about how I feel right now and I hope that my words will comfort someone else that is going or will go through something similar.

 

I also haven't been able to eat much lately. Food makes my stomach hurt. I am struggling to intake at least 800 calories a day (yes I am aware it should be at least 1200). Sleep is hard to come by lately as well, it takes forever to fall asleep and forever to wake up. I have lost 15 pounds in 25 days. I should feel accomplished that I have lost weight, but despite the fact I'm playing volleyball and doing Zumba 5 days a week... I almost feel like I'm cheating since I haven't been eating well. I'm almost embarrassed to tell anyone I've lost weight. I have found that doing Zumba after I put the boys to bed helps exhaust me a little more in the evenings (a good thing when you have a hard time falling asleep).

 

Regardless of everything, I need to say this:

 

Jeff,

I know all of this is very hard for you to hear. I know you wish there was something you could do to help me. I hope that you know that no matter how I feel (or don't feel) at this moment I never really stop missing you. Or loving you. Or wanting you back ASAP. I will try really hard to be better

at showing you how much you mean to me. The flowers you sent greeted me this morning and reminded me that I am loved. Just the thought of you makes me smile. The thought of your enduring your second homecoming gives me butterflies (good ones). I can still feel all the happiness you have given me and will give me in our whole life, I just can't feel the sadness of you being away at this moment in our life. I love you, always and forever.

(Jeff took Jack's Elmo with him to Afghanistan so he could take some photos with him around the FOB doing stuff that daddy does. It's been a great comfort for Jack, and Jonah too).




 



 

4 comments:

  1. i felt the same way too, I think, it is pretty normal, it is reassuring to know, that you CAN do fine by yourself, it helps. It makes you feel less helpless and it takes away the fear, the thoughts of what if... become more bearable because you know, you CAN do it, you CAN be fine alone, you CAN . That does not mean, you want to, but in case, you CAN...
    Lots of hugs

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  3. Hello,

    I have a quick question about your blog, do you think you could email me?

    I look forward to hearing from you,

    Emily

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