I can't seem to shake this depressed feeling. Like I'm not me anymore. Somewhere along the lines of becoming a wife, and mother (twice over)... I've lost me. When people ask what we've been up to (Jeff, Jack, Jonah, and I), I tell them Jeff's latest accomplishment at work, what new word Jack has learned, or that Jonah has been kicking a lot lately. What about me? Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of my little family and each of their accomplishments. But it feels like that's all I am. The one that watches, that follows, that does the background work so that they can take the spotlight. Why? WHY? Why am I jealous.
This is a horrible feeling. To be jealous of the ones I love the most. I hate that word. J-e-a-l-o-u-s. It's ugly and it does ugly things to people. I'm scared that it will make me ugly. Not physically, but on the inside. I have to stop this from hurting them any more. All I've ever wanted to do is love and be loved back. I am loved, I know this, Jack and Jeff (and even Jonah) show me every day. But I don't love myself right now. And if I don't love me, how can I love them adequately.
I've thought about what I need to do to fix this... and thought... and thought... and thought. I still haven't figured it out. I have thought "I need to go back to school" because college is something I planned on doing (before) I got married and had kids. It was always in the plan for me. That would make me feel more like me. But if I'm stressed now, how will I handle school on top of this. My boys will suffer or my grades will suffer.
I'm just sick of it all. As I type this, my sweet Jack is trying everything he can to get me to laugh because he can tell I'm upset. And that kills me. I'm supposed to take care of him, to make him feel better. When did I become so ... not like me?
Oy, how embarrassing is it that I wrote about this today, on my public blog. Maybe someone can offer some advice. Is this a normal "phase" of motherhood? Is there something I can do?
For now I will stick to praying, that God hopefully will help me find peace.