Day 188: Letting Go

Here's a post you will completely understand and never understand all at the same time. Enjoy.

Never fails, I think I've got something all figured out... I have asked the right questions, got answers, figured out my plans for every "what if" that could happen... and then something slaps me in the face that I absolutely didn't see coming.

I think I get most pissed off that things don't go my way. I like to plan things, and when I make plans I expect them to go exactly as I planned. Unfortunately that's usually never the case. 

I'm not sure how to deal with changes. I get scared. I cling to what I love. I usually get whiney and need lots of reassurance. When things are changing for me, that's when I'm most vulnerable... and I hate being that way. If I could run away, I totally would. But I'm a big girl and it's not really socially acceptable to do that anymore. 

 I can't handle the nothingness. I don't like the unknown. I want to know how and why and when things change(d). Mostly, just why. 

I need to know that all that time I spent wasn't a waste. I need to know that the juice was worth the squeeze. 

Sometimes though, you don't ever get answers. And that's the point, where you just have to let go, I guess. Letting go is the hardest part. 

I will always wonder where I went wrong. And I'm not sure I'll ever stop caring. But the weight on my heart has got to go. 

Day 186: The Homestretch

Man, has it really been 2 months since I've posted? 

Ironically, tomorrow is my first class of my second semester at HCC.

I finished my first semester back to college with B's in both of my classes. Eh, not what I'm used to but I will take it. I'm so very glad I chose to go back to school. It was hard at times, there were some very late nights I spent juggling sleepless children and writing last minute papers, and LOTS of coffee and mt dew was had... but it was worth it. (And it definitely made time go faster, in terms of deployment). This semester I scheduled easy classes. Intro to Computers and Foundations of Learning. I will have a lot going on in the next couple months and I didn't want to be tied up with just school. I will have softball 2-4 nights a week and a certain soldier's deployment may or may not be getting cut short (:

(Shhhhh, only those who read for themselves get to know that)

The boys are doing great, still growing like weeds. Jonah has an amazing vocabulary and is learning new words every day. His favorites lately are seet-sa (pizza), buckle, ow-si (outside), milk, potty, hug, co-bin (Corbin, the boys' friend), and of course he still yells DADDY every time the phone rings. Jack is mostly enjoying having a playmate around all the time, and now that Jonah is a little older they actually play together. Of course there are arguments and sometimes little battles over toys but they mostly love each other... mostly.

Their new favorite movie(s) are the Cars series. Jonah said "queen" for the first time today while pointing out a Lightning McQueen gift bag in the store. No joke, I've probably sat through that both movies 10 times each... and we just bought them two weeks ago. This is proving to be a bigger obsession than the Lorax stint a few months ago, and I never thought anything would beat that. There is supposed to be a similar movie called Planes coming out in August and Jeff and I have decided that will be our first theater date as a family. The boys will love it!

Off to do some Zumba and hit the sack, 6:30am comes way to fast.

Day 123: Back to College

Most the time I try to make my blog posts somewhat witty. I like to keep the attention of the reader, promote cohesiveness of the passage, etc. But not today, today I'm just going to write. 

Holy crap, I'm nervous about college.

Tomorrow morning is my first class of my first course of my first semester back to school in four years. Four years ago, I was eighteen. I was living my life virtually carefree. I had a four-year scholarship. My career paid for. I was surrounded by friends going to the same college. I had scored 29 on my ACT and a 3.86 high school GPA fresh in my head to fall back on. The biggest thing I worried about on the night before my first day of college was what I was going to wear and making sure I woke up in time to make it to class the next morning. (Let's be honest, getting up early is still going to be the hardest part..)

I have this lump in my throat tonight. I worry about my academic brain not being "as good as it once was." I worry about my boys being sick and me having to miss class. I worry (after reading his syllabus) that my english professor is going to fail me IF I have to miss class. I worry that I won't have time to complete my assignments to the caliber that I wish to. I worry I will spread myself too thin and other aspects of my life will suffer.

I worry that I will fail.

Not fail my classes, just fail. I tend to be my toughest critic. If I give up on something, it's a month long grieving process for me. I gave up my post-secondary education once already. This time, my critical self has already told my ambitious self that this is our last chance. I can't give up this time. Having a college education is important to me. I have to do this. I'm bad about looking at things from very immediate point of view. I see what I want in the now, ignore the plans I have made for the future for a moment, and act accordingly. 

I'm finishing this post with some advice for us all.

Jack complained earlier this evening of an earache, so when he woke up again about an hour ago I laid with him for a little while until he was almost asleep. I told him that it was time for me to go back to my bed because I was nervous about school tomorrow so I needed to sleep. Through his dreary, little eyes, he said "you be brave at school mama." 

I kissed my sweet boy's forehead and came downstairs to write this blog before I hit the hay. 

Now to pack my bag, the boys bag, and get that sweet boy's apple juice and peanut butter sandwich ready for the morning because I guarantee he will not be so encouraging at 7 o'clock tomorrow morning

(:

Day 119: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Lots of exciting stuff going around around these parts. 

First and foremost, we are almost halfway done with this "vacation" and these two boys can not wait to have their soldier back where he belongs!

And this mama too 

Secondly... see that girl.. yes, that blonde on in the photo above. She is heading back to college next week as a full-time student. Starting bright and early Monday morning with an English class.

I feel like a little kid all over again. Nicole (my sister, according to every cashier in the world) even said she's going to take "first day of school pictures" of me. But let's be honest, my class is at 8:30am. The boys are going to my friend Jessica's 20 minutes away, and then I still have to drive back to post, since my class is at the education center here. In short, this all means I will be getting up at SIX THIRTY AM. So, if you have known me longer than... about 10 minutes, you should know this is going to be the hardest part for me. Friends, if you love me, text me Monday. Annoy me until I can't possibly sleep in late. Thank you in advance (:

Also this week, I credit my BFF Nicole for getting the curious cat to take the bait. 

Cat = Me. 

Bait =

Most of my mama friends should know what that is. For that don't, this is a cloth diaper. Not the ugly, yucky kind that our grandmas used to safety pin together. This is the new and improved stylish, adorable, slightly less yucky kind. Why now, when Jonah is already 18 months old? Because I've always wanted to try it. Because it helps the environment. Because it will save money for our family. To me it's worth a try, at least. 

If you have never looked into cloth diapering, I highly suggest that you at least read a few blogs at least.
The Cloth Diaper Report is one that I recommend to explain the different kinds of diapers and how they work.
Jonah wasn't too fond of the first diaper, but by the second time around he didn't mind.

I'm not sure why this photo is so yellow but isn't he adorable in his fluff? (: Hiiiiiiii Corbin (in the background)

I'm also taking this time to shamelessly plug my crochet business (:

The Yellow Palm Tree Etsy Store
The Yellow Palm Tree Facebook Page

Crocheting feeds my creative needs, lets me create things for adorable babies (and adults), and keeps me busy while my husband is away. Win, win, win, right?
Check it out, if you have time. I love to take on custom orders as well, gives me the chance to come up with new designs and get new ideas.

Have a happy weekend

Day 116: Netflix is a Military Spouse's Best Friend

If you are a military spouse I don't even have to tell you this. Most people use Netflix to watch movies, we use it to watch 230982304 episodes of every TV series that we find remotely interesting. So here's my list of "shows worth watching that will kill some lonely nights for you" for all my milspouse friends.

1. Scrubs - I actually watched this one with my husband. Think "Grey's Anatomy" but less serious and more funny. I find it funny but some people don't. JD, the main character, has inner monologues which are often the cause of me sounding like a crazy person laughing really hard.

2. One Tree Hill - I just finished this series. It kept my attention mostly the whole series through. Plenty of "love stories" to feed your need for affection. Lots of twists and turns along the way. And there's LOTS of episodes. Should kill at least a month or so. It's about a group of friends in high school. Brothers Nathan and Lucas Scott are the main focus, their dad shunned one of them and stayed and lived "the good life" with the other. Makes for good tv. Also I must note that this series has AMAZING music. 

3. Sons of Anarchy - Hello eye candy! Charlie Hunnam plays the main character, Jax Teller. Jax is a single dad to an adorable new baby named Abel and the vice-president of a motorcycle club who run guns and try to "protect" their small town. Only it can't ever be that easy right? I loved this series and I can't wait for the Season 5 to be added.

4. Vampire Diaries - I started watching this one at the suggestion of a friend. When I first started watching I thought "Oh these silly producers are trying to make Twilight into a TV show." But after a few episodes, I started really getting into it. Brothers, Stefan and Damon Salvatore are both vampires vying for teenager Elena Gilbert. (Don't forget the teenage witches and werewolves too).

5. Gossip Girl - A look into the world of the rich and privileged teenagers of the upper-east side of Manhattan. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester play the best friends whom the show focuses on. In the show, "Gossip Girl" is an online blog that posts information, locations, and the latest on the characters' social lives. I borrowed the first few seasons from a friend during Jeff's last deployment and I have been following it ever since. The final season just ended about a month ago, so they ALL should be available on Netflix soon.

And now I'm sleepy. So there's five, have fun.

(:

Day 115: She Did Not Need Much

Exactly true.

I don't need much.

Today I had breakfast with my friends. Stephen makes awesome french toast, and he's even learned the perfect amount of crispy that I like my bacon. Yessssss.

After breakfast my BFF Nicole and I went for our first run of 2013. It was a rough one. We did about a mile and a half. I'm hoping to stay on track with the "Ease Into 5K" program and be ready to run my 5K in a few months. 

Then I TOOK A NAP. Yes, you read that right. It was only about an hour. But after not a lot of sleep last night it felt so good. 

Followed by a laughter-filled dinner at home with my boys, and bedtime stories, and big hugs and kisses. 

(:

I don't need much. 

More days like these... "and to love and be loved in return."

Day 113: Early Mornings

My babies were still sleeping when I opened my eyes for the first time this morning, it was 5:43am. I instantly looked up from my bed over to the sink and vanity that's in my room. For a split second, I saw my husband. Shaving. Getting ready for his day. He looked at me and said "I love you, go back to sleep, baby."And so I did. 

I just miss him.