Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Day 188: Letting Go

Here's a post you will completely understand and never understand all at the same time. Enjoy.

Never fails, I think I've got something all figured out... I have asked the right questions, got answers, figured out my plans for every "what if" that could happen... and then something slaps me in the face that I absolutely didn't see coming.

I think I get most pissed off that things don't go my way. I like to plan things, and when I make plans I expect them to go exactly as I planned. Unfortunately that's usually never the case. 

I'm not sure how to deal with changes. I get scared. I cling to what I love. I usually get whiney and need lots of reassurance. When things are changing for me, that's when I'm most vulnerable... and I hate being that way. If I could run away, I totally would. But I'm a big girl and it's not really socially acceptable to do that anymore. 

 I can't handle the nothingness. I don't like the unknown. I want to know how and why and when things change(d). Mostly, just why. 

I need to know that all that time I spent wasn't a waste. I need to know that the juice was worth the squeeze. 

Sometimes though, you don't ever get answers. And that's the point, where you just have to let go, I guess. Letting go is the hardest part. 

I will always wonder where I went wrong. And I'm not sure I'll ever stop caring. But the weight on my heart has got to go. 

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