Wearing my Heart on my Sleeve

I can't seem to shake this depressed feeling. Like I'm not me anymore. Somewhere along the lines of becoming a wife, and mother (twice over)... I've lost me. When people ask what we've been up to (Jeff, Jack, Jonah, and I), I tell them Jeff's latest accomplishment at work, what new word Jack has learned, or that Jonah has been kicking a lot lately. What about me? Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of my little family and each of their accomplishments. But it feels like that's all I am. The one that watches, that follows, that does the background work so that they can take the spotlight. Why? WHY? Why am I jealous.

This is a horrible feeling. To be jealous of the ones I love the most. I hate that word. J-e-a-l-o-u-s. It's ugly and it does ugly things to people. I'm scared that it will make me ugly. Not physically, but on the inside. I have to stop this from hurting them any more. All I've ever wanted to do is love and be loved back. I am loved, I know this, Jack and Jeff (and even Jonah) show me every day. But I don't love myself right now. And if I don't love me, how can I love them adequately.

I've thought about what I need to do to fix this... and thought... and thought... and thought. I still haven't figured it out. I have thought "I need to go back to school" because college is something I planned on doing (before) I got married and had kids. It was always in the plan for me. That would make me feel more like me. But if I'm stressed now, how will I handle school on top of this. My boys will suffer or my grades will suffer.

I'm just sick of it all. As I type this, my sweet Jack is trying everything he can to get me to laugh because he can tell I'm upset. And that kills me. I'm supposed to take care of him, to make him feel better. When did I become so ... not like me?

Oy, how embarrassing is it that I wrote about this today, on my public blog. Maybe someone can offer some advice. Is this a normal "phase" of motherhood? Is there something I can do?

For now I will stick to praying, that God hopefully will help me find peace. 

Post PCS Funk

If you've ever moved (whether you are military or not), you know how stressful it can be. And I'm not talking about the actual physical moving part of it...

I'm talking about things like [prepare for personal tangent]:

• my new home doesn't feel like home
• there's no children's salon here to cut my munchkin's hair, and the girl in the barber shop was annoyed with my baby boy (even though he was good and held still)
• the thrift store here isn't as good as the one where I used to live
• I get nervous just thinking about meeting with new friends, because... well... they are new and that's scary.
• the fact that I'm nervous about friends annoys me

And that's just the beginning of my "pity me" party. Oy, I'm in a funk. Maybe being 8 months pregnant and the weather being 95 degrees and humid daily has something to do with it.. but I sure I hope I can bounce back soon.

Sorry to be so negative today. I guess I just wanted you all know that if you have PCSed/moved recently, or are getting ready to... it's okay to be "this way" about it, and completely normal. Just keep swimming... swimming... swimming...

Yes it's 0215, but I have to get this out

I think my heart just broke into a million pieces. My precious baby boy was exhausted when we got home. We had quite a long day today. He went right to sleep in his pack and play when we got home. (We are both sleeping in the living room since all our furniture is moved out, me on an air mattress, him in his pack and play). He's been sound asleep since 10pm, not moved once. All the sudden I hear this painful "Moommmmmmaaaa" kind of cry. So I jump up and immediately pick him up, and his eyes are still closed. He keeps crying, and it's one of the worst kind.. like he is hurting. I check him over and nothing is hurt, nothing's wrong. I'm at a loss. He is squirming, his eyes still shut. So I bring him over to my bed (well, my air mattress) and lay him down beside me. He opens his eyes and looks around, spots my laptop at the end of the bed. Using my arm, he pulls himself to a sitting position and stops crying. I sit up, confused to say the least to see what the heck is going on. He's sitting, staring at the computer. Not even blinking. Just staring... and hoping. At this point thirty or so seconds have gone by and I realize what's going on. When he realizes his daddy isn't coming onto that screen, his eyes slowly start to fill with sadness again. Tears building up and his expression frowning so severely I fear might cry too. He bursts into a sad sob. He wants his daddy. He wants to see his daddy. And talk to his daddy. And he can't, so he's sad. I try to take him away from the computer and he fights me. He just sits there and sobs. I try to close the laptop, knowing that seeing the screen without Jeff there makes it worse for him, as soon as I start to close it, he screams. So I leave it. He starts to calm down, just sniffling now. Now I'm the only one crying. And he turns his little body around and grabs me, holding onto me. I finally pull it together, and we both just sniffle in silence, trying to let the our hearts heal one another. He's asleep now on my lap. It took him a while to get there though, he kept turning his head around just to see if maybe, just maybe daddy was there.

We're a team, you and I

Today at my mom's house, I had my first deployment-related breakdown since quite a while ago. And it wasn't because of the reason you would expect. I simply am sad to be leaving Ohio again. I'm ecstatic that Jeff will be redeploying soon, but it's so hard to have to say goodbye again. To cry and mourn our my separation from loved ones again. To see my mother's hurt in her eyes and know that it's because of me. I know that this is all a part of life, and more specifically the life Jeff and I chose. But it doesn't make it any easier, nor does the fact that I'm experienced at goodbyes make this one any less devastating.

With tears flowing from my eyes, I look across the room and see my lovely mother holding my precious baby boy. I see him look at me, and then I see his eyes start to fill with heartbreak. He frowns and his lips turn down into the saddest expression I've ever witnessed. Those big baby blues overflow and the heartbreak spills onto his cheeks. He reaches for me. I pick up this angel disguised in osh kosh b'gosh overalls and a blue striped tee shirt and he continues to cry. And then, this little 17 pound person finds the strength to reach through his sorrow and give me the biggest, most loving, baby kiss... And I start to smile. He does it again, and I smile and look at his beautiful face. The third time he gets me right on the lips, and I laugh. He smiles at me. And we both have stopped crying.

What a miracle this little boy is for me! What a healing power he has! I need him just as much as he needs me. I care for him and he cares for me. I make him smile, and he brings that same smile to my face. I can't explain it, but his heart calms mine. He lets me know that everything is going to be okay, because I have him. Because we are a team. And together, we will get by, together we will get through it all.

  

I'm right there with ya, little one

How I feel today:

Can't Sleep

I want my husband. I'm tired of putting on my mask for everyone and acting like deployment isn't kicking my butt. I hate it. I HATE it. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to stay up in all hours of the night with a baby who wants his daddy. I don't want to cry with my little boy because I want daddy too. I don't want to cry because the phones aren't working. I don't want to stalk the mailbox. I don't want to answer everyone's stupid questions like "how are you doin?" "how's jeff doing?" As if they don't know the answer? I'm NOT doin good, and neither is he.. Because our definition of happiness is not being separated for a year. I hate that I feel selfish and mean for writing all this because it's ten times harder for Jeff to be away I'm sure. If he can handle it then why can't I? Why can't I be the strong woman he needs me to be? I don't want to look people straight in the eyes and lie. Lie about the way I'm feeling with the whole situation. But when you ask me how I'm doing, I know the answer you're looking for.. And I say "good, good" partly because thats what you want to hear and partly because I don't want to talk about it anymore! But not at all because it's the truth. I just want to have my life back. I want to be back in washington waiting on my husband to get home from work, cooking dinner and falling asleep with him every night. But I can't do that. And I get reminded of that every day when I wake up frantically reaching for my husband and he's not there. I have a horrible dream every night and wake up tossing and turning because he's not here. And more than anything I need him to hold me, to talk me back to sleep. And it can't happen. And I don't even want to post this because I don't EVER want him to think it's his fault. Its not, and I know he doesn't like it either. It's just life, I love my life with him, but I'm allowed to dislike the bad that comes with the good.

Obama, please no more troops to Afghanistan. Send him home. Send them all home.

Tears are flowing this morning

Jack decided to start our day at 4am today, daddy hasn't called like he was supposed to, and someone just sent me this link. Gotta pull it together now, its gonna be a long day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-iFYrgxjUc

14 day old night owl

Jack is 2 weeks old today, well he will be at 15:37. He has changed so much since he was born. He is awake a lot more these days. Unfortunately, its mostly been during the nighttime recently. He was doing so good, and now it seems that his days and nights are confused. I guess it is to be expected with infants, especially newborns. Daddy and I are just hanging in there, and so are the bags under our eyes.

Good news for today: Jack had his 2 week check up and he is healthy as can be! He weighs 8 pounds 8 ounces, which is 10 ounces up from last week, and 6 ounces up from his birth weight. Go Jack! Somehow I'm not surprised considering he loves his bottle. Sometimes we have to take it from him because it seems he is trying to suck that thing inside out! He's eating about 4 ounces every four hours now, sometimes less, often more. We've started to recieve the oh so pleasant blessing of formula fed, horribly smelly diapers. Who would have thought that such a little person can make such a big mess?

Blogs have been few and far between lately, I know. I'm enjoying my family for this short amount of time I have them both together in one place. Everything else is negotiable right now. I promise the updates will pick back up soon. I'm not looking forward to Jeff leaving (obviously). I get kind of panicky when I think about it right now. Could be the hormones, could just be that I'm more in love with him right now than ever. Seeing him with our baby boy, its just amazing. He's such a good daddy already. You can tell that he loves his "little man" as he's come to call him, more than anything. Andddddd..... he loves me! And I'm going to miss him. I know, I know.. Right now you're saying "It'll be okay Kate, he'll be home soon, and you have Jack now, and blah blah blah." I don't mean to offend anyone trying to encourage me, but you can never understand until you've been there. It's a different kind of hurt, a different kind of worry. One you can't prevent and can't turn off, ever. My husband is the only one that I want to talk to about it, when he's gone. I'm going to miss his arms around me. That's my safe zone. I feel like nothing can hurt me there. When I look into his eyes right now, I see that he doesn't want to leave either. But we don't talk about it much. As much as it hurts to admit it, we've kind of fallen into a routine for him leaving out of habit. And we've done it without ever discussing it. We don't talk about it or plans for the day he leaves until we absolutely have to. We almost act like its not happening soon. Sometimes of course, I have breakdowns, and I cry, and I tell him I don't want him to leave. I feel so badly when I do that, because I don't ever want him to feel guilty for the huge, courageous sacrifice he's making in fighting for his country. But he never fails to make everything better when I have those breakdowns. He just sits with me and holds me until I've calmed down, and thats exactly what I need at those times. Amazing, how he knows exactly what I need huh? I couldn't ask for anything more/better. He's my only need. He and Jack are everything in this world to me. I try to always tell myself that when he's gone, he's gone for good reason. He's helping protect other people's families... Other people's everything.

Deployments Suck

The title says it all. Insomnia took over my body last night. I woke up around 1am and could not go back to sleep. But, I think God is to blame. I was missing Jeff pretty badly, tears and everything. And what do ya know? At 3ish am he popped online. It was so good to have him comforting me when I needed him most. However I couldn't keep the waterworks from flowing. I cried the whole time we were I.M.ing. Good thing he could not see that. I would hate for him to see me like that because he would just worry and thats the last thing I want. I told him I felt like a big beach ball full of blah. He thought that was really funny. Not that I was feeling bad, just how I explained it. Lovely man, my husband is. Regardless of my sadness, I was happy too to talk to him. I can't wait until I can just hug him. I just want to feel his warmth again, and his arms around me. Nothing can replace that feeling. My severe feeling of lonliness continued into today. I woke up and did not want to do a thing. I laid in this basement all day in the dark. I managed to force doing a load of laundry, but other than that.. I spent the sunlight in the darkness. Depression is a battle I'm constantly fighting and today I feel I lost a battle. Good things there's more than one battle in a war. Tomorrow is a new day.