Day 25: Why am I not more sad?

I haven't blogged in over a week. The only thing that I can figure out is that I have blocked myself off from my emotions. Emotional numbness. Right now, I can't tap into that part of my brain. Honestly, I think I went into survival mode or something? This all probably sounds so very silly. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, because honestly I am feeling fine (: I'm staying busy, and happy. I smile a lot. But I can't help but feel like this is not how it's supposed to be. I am baring my heart here and hoping this doesn't upset my husband when I say ... I don't need him right now. I feel like I can handle the next 8 months just fine. On the same token, I feel awful for not being more ... Loving? Towards Jeff. We are fortunate to get to talk a lot and I'm sure he can sense lately that I am not saying "I miss you" as much, or talking about about I really wish he were here. Some of you won't understand this and will probably have a few choice words to say about this. But this is me being honest about how I feel right now and I hope that my words will comfort someone else that is going or will go through something similar.

 

I also haven't been able to eat much lately. Food makes my stomach hurt. I am struggling to intake at least 800 calories a day (yes I am aware it should be at least 1200). Sleep is hard to come by lately as well, it takes forever to fall asleep and forever to wake up. I have lost 15 pounds in 25 days. I should feel accomplished that I have lost weight, but despite the fact I'm playing volleyball and doing Zumba 5 days a week... I almost feel like I'm cheating since I haven't been eating well. I'm almost embarrassed to tell anyone I've lost weight. I have found that doing Zumba after I put the boys to bed helps exhaust me a little more in the evenings (a good thing when you have a hard time falling asleep).

 

Regardless of everything, I need to say this:

 

Jeff,

I know all of this is very hard for you to hear. I know you wish there was something you could do to help me. I hope that you know that no matter how I feel (or don't feel) at this moment I never really stop missing you. Or loving you. Or wanting you back ASAP. I will try really hard to be better

at showing you how much you mean to me. The flowers you sent greeted me this morning and reminded me that I am loved. Just the thought of you makes me smile. The thought of your enduring your second homecoming gives me butterflies (good ones). I can still feel all the happiness you have given me and will give me in our whole life, I just can't feel the sadness of you being away at this moment in our life. I love you, always and forever.

(Jeff took Jack's Elmo with him to Afghanistan so he could take some photos with him around the FOB doing stuff that daddy does. It's been a great comfort for Jack, and Jonah too).

 

 

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Day 17: Getting Back on Track

Today I finally felt like I could make it through this deployment. It's a good feeling. I have wonderful husband who loves me very much and is (fortunately) able to contact me quite often. I have wonderful friends here who keep me busy, they help whenever I ask, they are just there. I have wonderful friends and family back home that constantly amaze me with their kind word, encouragement, and love. I have two wonderful babies who keep my world turning even I wish I could stop it for a second, they "know" and assure me we have to keep going. I have a wonderful life. Someday, this deployment will be an accomplishment for us rather than an obstacle. That day will come. It will. I just have to keep remembering that. In the meantime, I need to keep busy!

 

We started off the day kind of rocky. I think I have washed, am washing, or will wash every surface/fabric in my house before long. Why you ask? Potty training is definitely regressing. *thumbs down* So frustrating. He won't tell me when he has to go. If I ask him, he just says he doesn't to go. And if I tell him he needs to go try, he screams, throws a big dramatic fit and then (usually) gets in there and does his business. But lately, he just goes wherever and whenever he wants. The floor, the couch, my bed (he also got my "I'm going to keep and sleep with this shirt because it smells like Jeff" shirt on that one. I tried not to be really mad but I really was. Definitely a mommy fail). I am at a loss. I sure hope it gets better soon. Potty training makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall. But... A big kiss from my littlest love definitely helped lift my spirits this morning.

 

 

 

We went out to the mall today to get Jack a few more pieces of fall clothing. He has to take 1-2 extra outfits with him to school each day just in case (mostly because of potty training) and he only had 6 pairs of long pants. So Jeff and I decided together that we should let him pick out some more clothes he likes, he's probably old enough for that. These were his absolute favorite pick of the day:

 

Bright red corduroy pants (: He wanted the gold ones too but I told him that daddy said only one pair of crazy pants today. So he got a pair of jeans, a few long sleeve shirts, and little brother got a shirt too.

 

Tonight was my very first volleyball game.

 

 

The girls I play softball with in the summer started a team that plays in a rec league here on post. It's nothing serious but it's a lot of fun. I hadn't seen most my teammates in a few months so it was awesome to be back with them. I started late but there's a few weeks of games left I'll get to play with them. I was sort of nervous at first because I hadn't played since the 9th grade, but I don't think I played too badly. I need to work on serving mostly, my arm isnt as strong as it used to be. We brought home the team's first WIN tonight in 2 games. Not too shabby. I already can't wait for our next game Thursday.

 

My friend, Nicole, and I have decided to take up Zumba recently as well. I did Zumba regularly in the spring but got sick, had to stop for a week or so, and never went back to it. We have an Xbox Kinect and my sweet husband bought me the Zumba game for birthday I believe. For now, I am much more comfortable shaking my booty in the privacy of my own home. Nicole feels the same. So each night, I put my boys to bed. Her boys lounge around my house for about an hour, and we dance our little hearts out, burn calories and crack up laughing at each other. Perfect, right?

 

 

That's me, the Zumba Rocker. Hehe. I should probably work on my technique a bit though.

 

Tomorrow is Jack's second day of school. He was quite attached to me today. So we may have a little bit or separation anxiety going on, but I don't think he'll have any problems come time to drop him off tomorrow. Yesterday when I picked him up he said he had a lot of fun at school and he and Jonah grabbed hands and walked towards the car together. Sooooo cute. They melt my heart and put it back together ... pretty much everyday.

 

 

After a minute, Jack looked back at me over his shoulder and said "Thanks for getting me back mom"

He always knows just what to say. He is amazing. Even when he photobombs my self portrait :P

 

Until tomorrow folks (:

 

 

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Day 16: Jack's First Day of Preschool

I can't believe that is the title I get to write today. Just over three years ago, I was holding him in my arms as I introduced him to his daddy. I once came across quote about parenthood that has been my favorite ever since. It said "You are the best adventure." I haven't heard anything about parenthood more true than that. Jack and Jonah are my absolute best adventure, but today Jack started a big adventure of his own.

 

Jack Jack,

You are the best adventure. My first born. I never knew how much I could love, until I loved you. You started a new adventure today. It will be scary sometimes, fun other times, and there will always be something new that you are supposed to learn. There are other kids at school. Some will want to play with you, some won't. Some kids will be good at coloring, other kids are good at dancing, or building towers. Sometimes you might get frustrated at school, and that's okay. Your daddy and I want you to know that we aren't sending you to school to become the best color-er, or the best dancer, or the best builder of the tallest towers. We don't care about that one bit. We are sending you to school to practice being brave, being kind, and being you. Keep being you. That's the most important thing. Learn how to be you even when others make it hard. You, Jackie James, are sweet, you are the best hugger I know, you are the bestest friend your little brother could ever have, you make the best pretend turkey sandwich I've ever pretend tasted. You are smart, you are quick as a whip, and you are goofy. You are the only you in the world, I can assure you of that. Mommy and Daddy will be brave too, we will remember that you are ready to fly and share yourself and your gifts with the world even if we still see you as that 8 pound baby we were blessed with some years ago. We will be your biggest fans, loudest cheerleaders, and that voice in your head saying "you can do it, Jack Jack".

We love you more than there stars in the sky, we'll love you longer than the universe could ever last, and our love for you is as dependable as the "shun being awaked" every morning!

Forever and always little man,

Love Mommy and Daddy.

 

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Day 15: A Whole Half a Month

Know what that means? We are about 6% done.

Woo, *happy dance*

Today wasn't that exciting. I spent seven hours in the car out-numbered by two toddlers and a crazy pup. A lesser woman wouldn't have attempted it but it was a breeze.. Haha, I hope you didn't fall for that one.

 

I knew it was going to be an interesting day when Jonah wanted to help me get ready this morning.

 

Yes, that's my hairbrush in his mouth. Hehe, goofy boy.

About halfway through the drive I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw this

 

That blob of blanket is covering a sleeping 3-year-old who assured me he wasn't tired up until the very second he fell asleep. I only looked in the mirror because I heard Jonah say "nigh nigh, luh you". My children are the cutest, not that I'm biased or anything. In all honesty, I think Jack went to sleep out of pure confusion and exhaustion. As soon as we left my mom's this morning he started telling me that we needed to go to our house and daddy was at our house playing his game (the X-box is what I assume he meant). I explained to him that daddy wasn't there but he didnt believe me. He got angry and upset and went straight into another "I MISS YOU DADDY" screaming fit while clutching his daddy doll. That is one of the most heart-wrenching sounds I've had to endure hearing in my lifetime. He finally reduced to sobbing and fell asleep saying "I not tired mom".

When Jack woke up I decided to stop at a rest area to let us all out to stretch our legs (and let out the heavy sadness that seemed to be lingering in the car from knowing we were going home to an empty house).

 

 

I think they felt much better after getting out and running around for a bit. We stopped for lunch shortly after that, I swear these boys could eat constantly if I let them. I thought the "eating machine" phase didn't come until they were teenagers? Apparently, their eating habits are the same age as their attitudes.

We stopped at Kroger's on the way home for a short grocery trip. I knew I had almost nothing in the house, so it was necessary.

 

After that I came home and made dinner for my boys and our friends. I must say it was great to see them after being away for a week. We aren't used to going more than a few days without our families getting together. The boys destroyed played in the playroom. And Nicole, Stephen and I laughed until we were almost in tears. Jack flipping out and running to retrieve his nose when Stephen would "steal" it was pretty funny. But Nicole took the cake tonight. I kid you not our conversation went like this:

Me: "My birthday is easy to remember because it's a holiday"

Nicole: I know it's Cinco de Mayo but I don't know when that is"

*commence giggling now*

 

Stephen and I both laughed so hard it made my face hurt, feels good to laugh that hard sometimes. Hehe, thank you for that Nicole (I hope you don't take offense to my sharing :P )

Seeing as he's the baby, Abel didn't get to play in the playroom with the bigger boys... but he got to sleep, barf, and fart on me, and that seemed to satisfy him enough.

 

 

He's just so cute. He discovered Luna tonight. She sat up on the couch beside him and he just grinned, it was adorable.

 

Time to cuddle up with my husband's shirt and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for the Davis house and a certain 3-year-old (:

 

 

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